Living the Spiritual Life
I became enmeshed in church and all that it entailed. I took the kids to church on Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday evenings. I prayed like a monk. During those months I did grow spiritually. I did not, however, have any opposition or challenges to my new beliefs. Everything and everyone I surrounded myself with were church related.
My lawyer even accused me of acting like a preacher when I wouldn’t allow him to bring in an IRA person to dig into Bob’s finances and handed me over to his new associate. She happened to be a college friend. I had no desire to fight dirty. I just wanted to be fair. I sorted through ever item in our house and divided 50/50 with Bob.
He never once offered an apology. His lack of empathy was astounding. It was as though he was angry with me.
During the divorce proceedings, our young children went with my husband for visitation, which meant they were with “the other woman” as well. This tore me apart. He would drive her sports car to pick up the kids. She came to pick them up from daycare on Friday for their visitation time. They would unplug the phones so the children couldn’t phone me when they were with him (I learned this, years later). I knew the kids were confused.
I asked my attorney if there wasn’t something that could be done to prevent the children from having to spend their visitation in this situation. She was very hesitant to address it in court. I could tell she didn’t like the idea of asking a judge about it. She was afraid he might not like it. I remained resolute. So, we decided at the time the temporary orders were established I could say something to the judge if I still wanted to.
Just Who Do You Think You Are?
The day came, but so did the voice inside my head, “Just who do I think I am?” * I did not want to do this. I fully expected a bad reaction from my husband, knowing how he liked to be the one in control of any situation. I felt discouraged by my attorney, the courtroom, and of what might happen if I spoke my mind. I remember the day. I wore a dress my mother had made. I looked simple, thin, and frail, nothing flashy or sexy about me. The negative thoughts were powerful. Who do you think you are? Why am I the one doing this? My knees went weak. Standing before a judge can be intimidating (I was easily intimidated in those days). I had lived with a master of intimidation and I realized that it might not go in my favor.
I stood before the judge; he looked down from his elevated bench, and I asked, “Is it acceptable for my children to spend the night in the house with my husband and another woman before the divorce is final?” He said without hesitation, “No it isn’t.” Then he firmly advised my husband that the children were not to stay with a member of the opposite sex during his visitation. It was written into the temporary orders.
Just who did I think I was? I was a mother, hurting, and hoping I could make a point that marriage should mean something.
The reaction I had expected did not take long. My husband wrote a letter to the children. Not that they could read it or even begin to understand what he was saying, so I have to believe his words were intended for me. In it he said “The judge wants me to lie about my life to you kids, but I do know in my heart that I would rather show my love for you by not seeing you than to lie to you about where I live.”
So, for several weeks he did not see the children. That resolve didn’t last long; he decided out of the blue it was time to have them again. Okay, they are his children, but it didn’t take long before I learned that during visitation, to comply with the court order, they spent the night with the other woman, but their dad left to spend the night elsewhere. He managed to circumvent the court order. After all, wasn’t he within the letter of the law—the children were not spending the night with their dad and a member of the opposite sex in the same house.
Later, we were in court again for more final orders and I asked the judge if the new arrangement of the court order was acceptable. I will never forget the look on the judge’s face when I explained what was happening. “No,” he said emphatically “It is not acceptable.”
The judge did something few people had ever done. He addressed my husband with serious force and made it clear that if he wanted to have visitation with his children without a member of the court present, he would respect the orders of the court.
Just who did I think I was?* I was a mother, hurting and hoping to make a point that marriage should mean something.
Much water has passed under the bridge since then. I tell of it here to make one simple point: Sometimes it is necessary to face down the gremlins in your head when they ask you the question, “Just who do you think you are?” If you hear that gremlin sitting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear words that cause you to doubt yourself, face him down. When you hear those words: “Just who do you think you are?” Have an answer.
*Davis, Janet. My Own Worst Enemy, how to stop holding yourself back, p. 15.
The next entry will post in two weeks.
I raised three children as a single mother before I remarried. In 2007 I founded SMORE for Women, a nonprofit whose goal is Single Moms, Overjoyed, Rejuvenated, and Empowered. I’m also a Certified Professional Coach and my stories have been published in several Christian books and magazines. My book, Living Learning Loving is available on Amazon. My Website.
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