This is the most powerful spiritual lesson I’ve had in my long life

On our flight home I sensed more had transpired in Vladimir than I could grasp. Even as we flew away little Anastasia was having her second hernia surgery. 

I cried, worried, and remained silent.

            Treva learned during the next several weeks that it is not customary procedure to “find” a baby in another country, decide you want her, and come home to make the adoption arrangements. 

She spent hour after hour, day after day making calls. There was not a moment of wavering. The experience she had in that cramped room in one of the oldest cities in the world, a world away, was for her a birthing. Once the process begins there is no turning back. She knew what she had to do. 

            And I remained silent.

            Treva and Kyle were required to make another trip to Russia. I couldn’t imagine how they would be able to manage the additional expenses, expenses that were not in a budget already hit with the medical bills of the previous years. 

They went. They made the Russian arrangements and Kyle held Anastasia. Intuitively the orphanage director sensed their genuine desires, saw their commitment, and then cut their adoption fees in half. This was unheard of. 

Several weeks passed before I absorbed that this adoption was going to happen. On the phone I heard the anticipation in Treva’s voice, “The social worker is coming for our home visit tonight. And we have chosen a name. Her name will be Kaylin Elizabeth.”

After I said goodbye, I thought, my first grandchild has a name. A name is forever. My daughter was finally going to have the baby she had wanted for so long. What was my problem? I knew the real obstacle was my own uneasiness, my own lack of faith in the God I said I trusted. I confessed my desire to control the circumstances. As I opened my own clinched fists, the message got through. “I have my hand in this.” It dawned. The light finally broke and I realized I had been opposing one of the most significant spiritual messages of my life. With God’s hand in this, I should know she was a special gift He was holding just for us.

 “I have my hand in this,” became “You need not worry because, I have my hand in this.”

            I remained silent.

Just four months after that day in Vladimir, we welcomed the new family of three at the airport. Kaylin was a beautiful baby, much healthier than I had last seen her. Still, she didn’t hear well, if at all. 

The following week Treva took Kaylin to the ear specialist, and I sat home waiting for the news that had gripped me with fear and dread for four months. 

            Treva called. Her voice just as it had been in Russia, confident and clear, when she said, “Mom, she has ear infections. She’s had them a long time. That’s why she isn’t hearing.” Relief washed over me like a shower, and I was spiritually embarrassed. In a few weeks, after strong antibiotics, she could hear everything clearly.

            It dawned on me like a beautiful sunrise. I heard the words that came now with relief rather than fear, “I had my hand on this. Aren’t you glad you kept your hands off?”

In the years that followed when my hands held Kaylin’s, when she went through eye surgery, extensive sinus surgery, and urinary tract infections I knew that my love for her was as my Father’s love for me—unconditional in every way. When she grabs my attention with her, “Hey, Nana!” the catch in my chest reminds me of what I might have missed. Any physical flaw that she could have will never alter the love I feel with every beat of my heart for her.

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I raised three children as a single mother before I remarried. In 2007 I founded SMORE for Women, a nonprofit whose goal is Single Moms, Overjoyed, Rejuvenated, and Empowered. I’m also a Certified Professional Coach and my stories have been published in several Christian books and magazines. My book, Living Learning Loving is available on Amazon.  My Website.